Several of the chapters dealt with changing thought patterns. Whether it had to do with sex or seeing your spouse as a new creation, the goal was to begin a new Profitable thought pattern.
When it came to sex, we saw the current thought pattern as it relates to sex is people (especially men) use foreplay to get ramped up for intercourse. Once intercourse is over, they lose interest. Basically, the foreplay got them to a "higher state" and intercourse returned them back to their original state. At best, this is Not Unprofitable. Sex is seen as a series of separate physical events...Sex is a cause.
We saw God intended sex to be an effect of sharing the mental, emotional, and spiritual. Basically, foreplay consists of sharing. Intercourse ought to also be sharing instead of groping. Each person ought to be touching the other in a manner that the other enjoys. This is love and can only be done if the spouses continue to share during intercourse. After intercourse, the couple ought to continue to share. In fact, we saw this is the best time to share the mental, emotional, and spiritual...because the physical has been satisfied.
When sharing is the cause, then sex is an effect. Sex is Profitable because the spouses end up at a "higher" level than when they began. They actually end up at a level from which they can continue growing...and sex is seen as a part of a larger event.
Recently, I read a book that physiologically confirms what has been written in this work!!!
"The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge MD, states that our thoughts can change the structure and function of our brains...even in old age!
When it comes to sex, Dr. Doidge explains the brain is most plastic during the times immediately following pleasurable moments. The chemicals associated with these events are changing the brain. He even writes, "It is the afterplay, not the foreplay, that counts in building trust."
The BEST time to build with your spouse is just after intercourse!
However, if spouses immediately isolate themselves after intercourse, they are changing their brain to value sex in an Unprofitable manner...as well as tell their Unaware Brains this is what they want to be "juiced" towards doing in the future.
We covered HOW the couple ought to begin forming this thought process by first not touching for a year...and then when they do touch, make sure they stop touching and continue to share. Basically, this causes the couple to establish "their tree" over sharing. This is what the couple will resort to in order to drive the marriage. We saw this is Fellowship...and sharing is something that can be novel/new for eternity.
Now, look at what Dr. Doidge writes:
"A tolerance, akin to tolerance for a drug, can develop in happy lovers as they get used to each other. Dopamine likes novelty. When monogamous mates develop a tolerance for each other and lose the romantic high they once had, the change may be a sign, not that either of them is inadequate or boring, but that their plastic brains have so well adapted to each other that it's harder for them to get the same buzz they once got from each other."
Dr. Doidge gives the physiological explanation for HOW/WHY married couples experience an initial high which the rest of the marriage can never exceed! The ability to reach greater highs depends on "novelty". If the couple bonded over touching or events, then they will need to continue to do even more to maintain this high.
When it comes to sex, there is a physical limit to the novelty without it getting into destructive (Unprofitable) behavior. We know the answer is SHARING!!!! This is God's solution to paradisiacal marriage!
Look what Dr. Doidge suggests:
"Fortunately, lovers can stimulate their dopamine, keeping the high alive, by injecting novelty into their relationship. When a couple go on a romantic vacation or try new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing, or surprise each other, they are using novelty to turn on the pleasure centers, so that everything they experience, including each other, excites and pleases them."
This is IS. Sharing is OUGHT.
Activities and possessions are NOT the spouse. It is not causing the spouse to grow in attraction.
Sharing is about the spouse. It causes the spouse to grow in attraction.
Not touching for a year while getting to know each other DOES "grow the tank"!
It causes the couple to bond over sharing...which they can ALWAYS do MORE of and will ALWAYS be NOVEL/NEW for the rest of their marriage. This will cause the other person to become MORE attractive. In fact, Dr. Doidge also recognizes this physiologically:
"Romantic love triggers such powerful emotion that we can reconfigure what we find attractive, even overcoming 'objective' beauty. In 'On Love' Stendahl describes a young man, Alberic, who meets a woman more beautiful than his mistress. Yet Alberic is far more drawn to his mistress than to this woman because his mistress promises him so much more happiness. Stendahl calls this 'Beauty Dethroned by Love.' Love has such a power to change attraction that Alberic is turned on by a minor defect on his mistress's face, her pockmark. It excites him because 'he has experienced so many emotions in the presence of that pockmark, emotions for the most part exquisite and of the most absorbing interest, that whatever his emotions may have been, they are renewed with incredible vividness at the sight of this sign, even observed on the face of another woman...in this case ugliness becomes beauty'."
Dr. Doidge explains novelty re-images the brain of the spouse. Learning something new about your spouse, causes your brain to treat your spouse as new...just like the brain does when it learns a new fragrance!!!
Early in this work, I shared how habituation occurs between the brain and nose. The brain learns a fragrance...during that time the strength of the fragrance appears to grow. Actually, the strength is the same...the brain is learning to appreciate all of it.
Once the fragrance is known, the brain causes the strength of the fragrance to appear to diminish...even though it is STILL THE SAME STRENGTH!
Likewise, each of our spouses are greater than we know. If we continue to get to learn them, they will grow in our estimation...we will get a greater experience over time.
However, if a spouse refuses to share, then they are "known". The brain then causes the effect of that spouse to diminish...and people think marriage is flawed.
The same can be said for Fellowship with others.
SHARING is so vital! It needs to be the focus.
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